My Sweet Grace
by emerald-eyes1
Summary: Based on a new character in the tribe - the delightful Jay, this pre-tribe story is concerned with Jay's one true love. Who was the girl ripped from Jay's life forever? Who was the reason he lost hope and joined the Techno's in search of a better future?
1. The beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own the Tribe (Cloud9) or any of the immediate stories this involves. Nor do I own the song "You look wonderful tonight".  
  
  
  
  
  
I wish I could say sorry.  
  
Grace Owen ran her pretty blue eyes back over what she had just written, and then crossed it out with a flourish.  
  
She sighed looking out of her window onto the sandy beach and turquoise lace-topped water. Everything that had happened in the last two years had happened so quickly, so feverishly, so wonderfully, that now she found herself wishing that she could tell someone – anyone – what she was going through.  
  
Her mind flicked to him, and stopped dead in its tracks as a warm blush coloured her cheeks. She shook her head, she couldn't tell him that would ruin everything …  
  
With a determined sigh, Grace picked up her pencil again and in neat loopy handwriting began again…  
  
In the summer I was fifteen my parents changed my life forever.  
  
At the time it upset me, I was angry with them for taking me away from my home, my friends and a city I loved. I was a teenager – the world was against me…but lately, as I see my parents getting older and sicker, I begin to feel sorry for all the bad things I said back then – things I don't even remember now.  
  
We moved here, to the beach, mum, dad, Sara and I, to a pretty little house on the shore, and over the long, hot summer that followed I couldn't help but fall in love with The Little Valley just as my parents said I would.  
  
I tried to fight it at first, made regular trips back to the city to see my friends and locked myself in my room and away from the glorious surroundings. The only problem with this was that being so far away from my old gang, made me see just how little we all had in common, they were selfish and conceited and if I was perfectly honest with myself, none of them were real friends to me.  
  
After this brutal realisation Grace pulled back from the leather-bound diary and furrowed her brow in concentration, struggling to conjure up the memory.  
  
But it was lost.  
  
I don't even remember how I know that they weren't my real friends, it was just one of those feelings, a deep down voice which told me I wasn't fitting in anymore – moving away from the city opened my eyes.  
  
The pencil hovered above the pages for a brief moment, long enough for a re- reading of that paragraph.  
  
Jay wasn't one of those guys that you look at and think wow, not back then, when we first met, but when he looked at me with warm eyes and smiled shivers ran icy fingers up and down my spine.  
  
It was autumn when we first met, and I remember it as if it were yesterday.  
  
I was fifteen, a girl, shy, innocent, untouched by life or love…  
  
  
  
I was having one of those wonderful dreams, where you are weightless, and everything is made of chocolate and marshmallows when the voice swam into my thoughts…  
  
"Grace?" It was mum tapping lightly on the door. "Gracey sweetie – it's time to get up…"  
  
"Mmmm.." I turned over and pulled the warm duvet back over my head. "Five more minutes." I whispered softly. "Just five more minutes…"  
  
The tapping came again though and louder. "Grace, you've had five more minutes – I'm off to work in two, and Sara's playing downstairs, I don't want her left on her own."  
  
The concern dripping from my mother's voice pulled my out of bed and forced me to get ready…  
  
  
  
Sara was my younger sister and for her age she seemed unaffected by the move. Sara liked it as much as any of us, as far as we could tell - she didn't say much but still I saw the happiness deep in her eyes when she looked at the waves crashing on the sand. She was seven and a sickly child, she'd been in and out of hospital about a million times – more times in two months than I'd been in my whole life - but no one really knew what was wrong with her…or if they did they never said.  
  
I feared that she was getting sicker every day; she seemed to drain of colour with every moment that passed. I knew my mother thought living by the seaside would help her to somehow get through it and I hoped with all my heart that she was right because I loved Sara more than anything. 


	2. Sara

As I reached the bottom of the stairs my mother kissed me lightly on both cheeks in her breezy European manner and I paused for a second just to look at her. She smiled and pushed her long dark hair behind her ears catching me in a light embrace and it was at that moment I knew just how much I loved her.  
  
Okay it sounds like a cliché, but why would I lie on something that no one is ever going to see? I've always loved my mother, don't get me wrong, loved her with a love that was running through my veins – she was my creator, and to her I was precious.  
  
But it was on that day, so many months ago, that I realised how just how much that meant – she was more than I'd ever thought she'd be. My best friend.  
  
I tried to say 'I love you' but as I looked into her honest brown eyes – eyes that Sara had inherited – the words caught in my throat and for once I couldn't manage it.  
  
She held there for perhaps a moment longer than usual and then spoke in a soft voice heavily accented with Spanish overtures.  
  
"I love you Gracey…take care – if you need me you know where I am." A final kiss on my forehead and she was gone, leaving me to wish forever more that I hadn't missed the chance to say how much I cared for her.  
  
  
  
After that it just got harder and harder to say how I felt, I regret that now, but it doesn't make it any easier to say the words. Words that just won't come, a sentence that chokes in the back of my throat. Sometimes I feel so cold and heartless, but I guess it's just the fear of opening my heart, taking the chance on someone else's feelings…It's different with Sara, I know she can't say it back so I feel free to love her as much as I can.  
  
  
  
I grabbed the glass of milk and green apple that mum had left on the worktop for me and padded barefoot into Sara's playroom.  
  
Sara didn't even look up as I entered and watched her for a few moments, nor did she flinch when I sat cross-legged beside her and touched her arm gently.  
  
Her dark hair was braided tightly away from her face and she was wearing her favourite dungarees and pink t-shirt. As Sara babbled away to herself and her dolls; Anne-Marie, Laura and Sophie, I listened carefully in the same way I did every time I was with her. She didn't make much sense though – it was just the few muffled words she did know mixed with sounds and hums…  
  
After a few minutes of playing – finishing her game, a tea party – she turned her attention and full-of-life eyes onto me. I smiled and she reached up to touch the silver necklace I was wearing with small, perfect fingers.  
  
"Es nice…" She giggled all to herself.  
  
"Sara." I whispered stroking her hair gently. "I love you."  
  
She watched me now, intently, knowing I had said her name, said something familiar, and perhaps she knew, somewhere deep down, that it was loving.  
  
"Grraac-ey.." She mumbled before putting her thumb in her mouth and working on it.  
  
I caught the tiny seven-year-old in a tight embrace and held her for a few long minutes.  
  
Hearing her say my name always touched something deep inside, but it hurt me and broke my heart to know that her development was not even close to how it should be at seven. She tried hard, and she loved life, loved her life because she knew no better – smiled and giggled at every opportunity.  
  
And the worse thing about it is that other people, the perfectly fine and healthy ones always find a way to be sad about their own lives, and I'm no exception. It's human not to be happy…it's normal.  
  
But if that's true what was Sara?  
  
Sara was special. And she always would be.  
  
  
  
Grace dropped the pencil onto the paper and raised her eyes to stop the tears that were already stinging her eyelids. She blinked and then dashed the single tear away with that back of her hand, but she was determined not to stop – this writing was helping her no matter how sad it made her feel she was finally facing things she'd been hiding.  
  
With a long shaky sigh Grace picked up the pencil and began again… 


	3. Playmates

I took Sara into our airy living room, with huge bay windows and polished wooden floors, letting her sit on my lap in the creamy coloured sofa. She giggled playfully and twisted strands of my long dark hair around her fingers.  
  
We were watching cartoons, as we always did, and this time it was one of her favourites – something about a blue puppy and a pink rabbit…? I forget what it's called.  
  
On mornings when it was just Sara and I, we did whatever she wanted. She was always as good-as-gold for me and I loved to spoil her rotten. Mum never let her watch cartoons for longer than half an hour at a time and she always made us tidy up the toys straight away. But when it was just Sara and I we did whatever we wanted and both of us loved it.  
  
When the credits rolled in a colourful blur Sara hopped from my lap and sped out of the room for a moment. I listened for her singing to herself, but couldn't hear anything. I waited for another moment trying not to be over protective but it worried me when I couldn't see or hear what she was doing…  
  
"Sara?" The name jumped out of my throat after about a minute and before I had the chance to stop it.  
  
The tiny girl came bounding back in carrying a pair of her trainers – pink and covered in glitter, the one's I'd given her for her birthday – and a pair of my own white and blue sneakers.  
  
I grinned from ear to ear as she sat on the floor and stuck her leg in the air, pulling the shoes clumsily onto her feet.  
  
"I take it you want to go out somewhere to play?" I smiled happily; she was so full of energy…hard work for mum I knew that, but I figured if I took her out to play it would make her sleepier this evening.  
  
She looked at me, telling me 'yes' with her soft eyes.  
  
"Okay you." I declared touching the tip of her nose playfully with my finger. "Out it is!"  
  
  
  
Grace rubbed her tired eyes with the back of her right hand and let her writing hand – her left – rest a while. The sun from outside was no longer streaming into her lemon bedroom and onto the pine bureau, it was setting, and a burnt orange flame streaked across the sky.  
  
The girl leaned forward and flicked the switch of her table lamp and it immediately filled the room with a warm, but harshly artificial light that caused her eyes to blink hard a few times before they adjusted.  
  
On the floor by her feet were Sara's trainers, the pink ones with the glitter, taken off, lovingly abandoned but left untouched and next to them a doll, Sophie, dressed for outdoors, wrapped up warm with tiny tufts of hair missing from the back.  
  
It was a vision to her sore eyes, a loving memory and sweet reminder of that day, even though the shoes had been worn many times since and Sophie had drank countless cups of invisible tea in the months – year – that had passed.  
  
Grace pulled the long dark hair that all three of the Owen females had, out of her face. Although she had the Spanish darkness of her mother, Grace also shared her father's sparkly blue eyes and perfectly formed nose.  
  
She was a pretty girl, not striking, not particularly beautiful, but a nice girl and sweet. She went to school and did all of her work, loved English and hated science, had a few friends – a close circle who she was grateful for – and walked through life taking it as it came. Grace was good-natured and it shone out of her like the sun shone from the sky.  
  
  
  
Sara's cheeks were flushed and her eyes gleamed as she tugged at my sleeve, willing me forward, wishing me faster. We walked along the path beside the beach – it was a warm, slightly breezy day but there weren't many people playing in the sand, surprising considering it was a weekend.  
  
As we walked I once again thought about how much I loved it – it was so much calmer and safer than the city – I felt so at ease in the streets that I never wanted to go back again.  
  
  
  
On hot summer nights I would take long lingering strolls along the shore, letting the cool sand stroke my feet and dipping my toes in the foamy water. I'd hum and sing under the watchful gaze of a milky moon – I was smitten with my new home then and am even more so now.  
  
  
  
As we turned a familiar corner I realised we were heading towards the only place Sara knew the way to – and not on some wild goose-chase as I'd first imagined.  
  
When she saw it in sight Sara broke from my grasp and darted across the yellow-tipped summer grass towards brightly painted red and blue swings.  
  
"Push, Push!" She yelled, laughing and pulling herself on it. I laughed back and ran to join her, helping her get settled on the seat.  
  
I pushed her on the swings, gently at first, knowing my mother came home from work past the park, and knowing also that she'd kill me if Sara fell off the thing.  
  
"High…high!" Sara demanded recklessly, in the way that little kids always do; cheeks red, eyes sparkling, breathless.  
  
So I pushed a little harder – enough so that she'd be happy but not so much that it was dangerous. I know it sounds boring, but because of Sara being the way she is…you can never be too careful with her. I gave the swing a final push, before letting it settle on its own as Sara sung a ditty in her broken language…  
  
  
  
Grace paused for a minute, another rest, and looked over what she was writing. It was getting harder all the time her memories becoming more and more distant, and now she was wondering if it even made sense anymore.  
  
  
  
Sara had worn me out in the space of about thirty-minutes, playing chase around the slide and sandpit, but now we had both settled onto the warm grass, watching the clouds and making long daisy chains.  
  
"What animals can you see in the clouds Sazzy?" I asked using my pet name for her.  
  
She looked up to the sky, her eyes crinkling against the brightness of the sun and giggled. "Ho…s…" She waited a second. "Hor..or..ee.." She struggled to stutter out the word that she wanted to say, and I watched patiently. "Ho..r..e..y.." She glanced at me for help with slightly teary eyes, they way she did when struggling with words she knew she knew…  
  
I grabbed her and tickled her playfully. "Was it a…..DOG?" I asked as she squirmed, and she nodded her head, no. "What about a…erm…aeroplane?" This brought more laughter from the little girl.  
  
"Aminal…" Sara reminded me, it had to be an animal.  
  
"Oh I see…" I said slowly. "Was it a…a…a big pink elephant jumping up and down in custard!" Sara screeched with laughter and pulled out of my grasp shaking her head, no, so that her dark hair started coming loose from the braids.  
  
I let her laughter die down before asking her again. "What animal was it?"  
  
Sara bit her lip and took a deep breath. "Ha…rrr…Hor..se..hors..ee"  
  
I grinned. "A horse? Well done!"  
  
I leaned forward and place my daisy chain around her as a necklace. "Now you look like a princess…"  
  
With a small smile Sara place hers onto my head, like a crown. "…pincess…"  
  
Then we hugged and I remember feeling so loved by this tiny creature that my heart ached. I promised myself then that I'd do anything to protect her…make her better if I could…and I'd never, ever let anything or anyone hurt her.  
  
  
  
Grace looked up as a knock came at the door. "Yes?" She closed the diary shut.  
  
Grace's mother poked her head around the door. "I was just coming to say goodnight sweetie." She entered and crossed to the desk. "You're not working are you? It's late Gracey…"  
  
"No mum I'm nearly finished." She glanced at the clock and her eyes widened at the time – she'd been writing for hours. "Has Sara gone to bed then? She didn't come in and say 'night." There was disappointment in her voice, Sara always said her good nights.  
  
"I know hon, she fell asleep earlier – I put her straight to bed…she's not well again…" Her mothers eyes were slightly teary and bloodshot…from crying? "She's getting weaker…" She coughed harshly.  
  
Grace tried to smile reassuringly. "It'll be okay mum. Sara's a fighter, she'll get better – she always does.." She paused. "Are you alright? You don't look well."  
  
She smiled, her breathtaking smile, and for a second Grace wondered if she'd imagined the paler, sicker, woman standing next to her. "I'm fine." She stroked Grace's hair softly, then kissed her cheek. "Don't stay up too late."  
  
Grace smiled again. "I won't."  
  
  
  
We walked home via the beach, I carried my sister in a piggy-back, bouncing her up and down so she'd laugh, because I needed to hear her laughter in my head – it made everything alright.  
  
"Mon-ster! Chase!" Sara said as I let her onto the sand.  
  
I knew this meant our game of chase, where I was on my knees to give her a better chance of getting away…  
  
As I sunk onto the sand I didn't even look around to see if anyone was watching, it never occurred to me anyone would care what I was doing – because all I cared about was Sara and I having fun.  
  
She screeched and tittered as I chased her making "scary noises" and reaching to grab her but always missing – I never even noticed she had darted behind a pair of legs until my face was almost touching them.  
  
  
  
Grace felt herself blushing as she remembered, and wondered once again how she had managed not to see him standing there…  
  
  
  
I paused at the bare feet – they were nice feet as far as they could be – and wet-suit clad ankles so one thought came to my mind – surfer?  
  
I closed my eyes, embarrassed, and opened them again hoping the legs had vanished, but no avail. They were still there and as real as ever. Still I couldn't bear to look up and I just stayed there for a moment hoping everything would sort itself out. Looking back I realise that this probably only made it look worse…!!  
  
"Do ya' need a hand there?" His voice touched me and not just lightly – it grabbed hold of me and touched so deep it forced my head up causing my eyes to collide with his.  
  
As I slowly got to my feet our eyes never broke their gaze and we silently engaged in a duel.  
  
He was taller than me, 5ft 8inches and still growing - (he's well over 6ft now) - messy brown hair, with bleached tips that was damp from the sea and gentle hazel coloured eyes, shining as he gave me an amused grin.  
  
I recognised him, his name was Jay…something… and I think I sat in front of him in English…  
  
Neither one of us knew what to say, at least I know I didn't, so we just stood there. It was strange and it sounds stupid, but as I stood there watching him grin at me in that way I felt butterflies start swarming around the pit of my stomach and excited goose bumps broke out on my arms.  
  
Then he started to laugh – more of a chuckle really – but he wasn't laughing [b]at[/b] me, that was the funny thing, it felt as though his laughter was [b]for[/b] me, and I wondered if he saw things in me that I saw in him…  
  
"Well…" The corner of his eyes crinkled as he smiled wider. "What a way to break the ice?"  
  
I grinned, hoping I didn't look too stupid. "Yeah, I guess."  
  
"I'm Jay." He offered.  
  
"I know!" I spat, instantly regretting it. Why should I know his name? It made me sound like a stalker or something.  
  
"And you're Grace, right?" I raised my eyebrows, I guess there wasn't a real reason for him to know my name either. I must have looked surprised because the next thing to come was… "English class. You're three rows forward – I never forget a face. You're new?"  
  
I nodded again, I must've looked like a real idiot. "Yes. We just moved over the summer – it's nice here."  
  
"Nice? Hmmm…Not boring then?" He raised his eyebrows. "Compared to the 'big city'?"  
  
Sara tugged on my trouser-leg and I jumped slightly – I couldn't believe I'd been in such a daze with this guy I never even knew that I'd forgotten she was there. I picked her up. "Okay sweetie – I know you're hungry – we'll make some lunch huh?" I spun her full-circle to make her smile then turned back to Jay. "Nice to see you." I said. "Maybe I'll see you around?"  
  
Jay nodded. "You can count on it."  
  
I laughed putting Sara back onto the floor, then hand-in-hand, my beloved sister and I danced our way up the beach… 


	4. Jay's Perspective

I'd just been surfing. My younger brother Ved who, as well as being a computer expert is also a skilled surfer, had decided to show me how it was done – and of course he hadn't expected me to be better than him! Not loads better mind you…just enough – and probably only by luck, but 'little brother' was a little too big for his boots these days and needed showing…  
  
It was warm, but the beach was quiet, I guess with us all just getting back to school after a long hot summer, it was the last place people wanted to be.  
  
As I strolled up the sand after Ved I noticed them. A young girl six or seven screeched with laughter as an older girl chased and tickled her playfully. I smiled and squinted to get a better look, it was something interesting to watch and something about them enchanted me, it was almost as if I was glued to the spot.  
  
As they came closer I began to recognise the older girl.  
  
Grace.  
  
I said the name in my head and liked the way it sounded…she was in my English class…three rows in front…on Friday she'd worn her hair pulled back into one of those scrunchy things…  
  
As they got closer the resemblance between the girls told me they were sisters – and pretty ones at that.  
  
The tiny girl, on noticing me darted behind my legs as I held back a laugh, Grace however didn't notice me until she was almost touching my legs…  
  
I looked down at the sweet girl in warm amusement.  
  
I waited for a few moments as she seemed to freeze at my ankles and spoke finally.  
  
"Do ya' need a hand there?" I said as lightly as I could.  
  
She looked up at me then, with those large pretty-blue eyes, eyes so open and honest I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.  
  
Slowly she stood never breaking her gaze as I took her in. I was taller than her – but then I'm taller than a lot of people – still Grace was about 5ft 6inches or so, slim, wearing blue lightweight trousers and a white hoodie, her long dark hair tumbled carelessly over her shoulders and her cheeks were slightly flushed.  
  
I stood there as she held me with her eyes and for once I didn't know what to say – or even what I should say.  
  
And then, without knowing quite why I started to laugh gently. I wasn't laughing at her – don't think that – it was just…if you knew Grace you'd know what I mean…there was just something about her that made me smile, perhaps it was the daisies that decorated her hair impulsively and her spell-binding innocence.  
  
"Well…" I spoke up. "What a way to break the ice huh?"  
  
Grace smiled, a lovely smile that I immediately committed it to memory forever.  
  
"Yeah, I guess."  
  
I shrugged. "I'm Jay."  
  
"I know!" She said quickly, then looked at though she regretted admitting that.  
  
"And you're Grace right?" Grace raised her eyebrows, looking slightly worried for a moment. "English class." I explained. "You're three rows forward…You're new?"  
  
She nodded. "Yes. We just moved over the summer – it's nice here…"  
  
I know I didn't know her, but I couldn't help but tease her playfully. "Nice? Hmmm…Not boring then? Compared to the 'big city'?"  
  
I didn't get an answer to this question, because her attention had turned back to the little girl. "Okay sweetie…" She cooed affectionately. "I know you're hungry – we'll go make some lunch huh?" Grace scooped her sister up in her arms and spun her full circle until she giggled again. "It was nice to see you." She told me softly putting the girl back to the ground. "Maybe I'll see you around?"  
  
I realised I did want to see her again, so in true 'Ved-style' I couldn't help flirting…just a little. "You can count on it."  
  
She laughed a silvery laugh and took the tiny girls hand and I turned and watched as they both danced into the distance, smiling all the way.  
  
I didn't know how, or why, but for some unexplainable reason, from then onwards I was under her spell…  
  
  
  
  
  
When Sara and I got back mum was already in the kitchen making us dinner. Sara sped to her and she bent down to pick her up fondly.  
  
I watched for a moment then turned and ran all the way upstairs to my bedroom, slamming the door shut and resting my back against it.  
  
It was all I could do to keep myself from screaming or laughing, my heart was still racing and I couldn't wipe the stupid grin from my face…  
  
I sighed closing my eyes, no one had ever made me feel as giddy as he just had. His smile…those eyes…I felt the goose bumps on my arms and realised I was kind of shaking…he seemed really nice – and he wanted to see me around again, he said so – could it be possible he was feeling like this?  
  
It was so strange, I didn't even know him and he was making me crazy…  
  
"Oh God…" I whispered to myself. "Grace, calm down…" I instructed.  
  
With a slight laugh I pushed my fingers nervously through my hair, the daisy chain falling into my hands. I held it before my face in disbelief, the daisies were in my hair all the time? I was such a geek…  
  
I dropped the flowers to the floor and closed my eyes again, there was no way on this earth that someone like Jay would want someone like me.  
  
He never would.  
  
Grace rubbed her eyes and shook her head, that was the worst realisation of them all… 


	5. My Father

After that first brief meeting with Jay something changed deep inside me, something stirred and woke. So subtly though that in the beginning I didn't even notice, but looking back now I know.  
  
I saw Jay around quite a lot after the day on the beach and I wondered if it was on purpose…or only because he was one of the few faces I recognised in the sea of students.  
  
As it turned out, girl from school, Bethany Williams, who I'd fallen in with, knew Jay really well and as I became a bigger part of her group I started to hang out with Jay much more too…  
  
Beth was funny and smart and outgoing in a way that sometimes scared people or made them back away from her, but I liked her happy-go-lucky attitude – and we got on really well.  
  
She was very obviously pretty, the kind of girl who you'd hate if she wasn't so much fun – and the kind of girl that other girls would kill to look like. She had large green eyes and dead-straight shoulder length dark blond hair that swished when she spoke. Her and Jay went back a long way and for a while I was so scared to ask her about them…perhaps I was worried what I might hear – I didn't want to know that the one guy that made me tingle all over without even touching me was in love with this blonde would- be model…  
  
It's funny how things work out though, it was as if all these vital coincidences were fixed or planned and I couldn't help feeling then – and still do now - that Jay and I were meant to be friends.  
  
We were similar, liked to laugh; but not at the expense of others, loved the beach and the sea…tried our hardest to be kind and helpful…but in other ways we were poles apart. I was quieter than Jay – only speaking when I felt it was needed, but he was the natural leader of our group. Whenever there was a problem Jay had an idea or an answer, a lot of us looked to Jay for guidance and he was always the voice of logic.  
  
Because he was part of the same friendship group as me, and because of something I felt I had no control over, we became…  
  
  
  
"Grace…" She was shook gently. "Gracey…?"  
  
Grace jumped lifting her head from the desk and instinctively shutting the diary. "Dad?" She blinked sleepy eyes adjusting to the light again. "What time is it?"  
  
"2 a.m…I've just got back from work. What are you doing up so late? Not waiting to greet me I hope?!" He laughed crinkling up his eyes.  
  
Grace smiled and held his hand for a moment, looking up to his eyes. He looked sick, older and frail…but still his bright eyes shone on.  
  
Her stomach suddenly turned with fear. "Dad…" She whispered.  
  
"Yes love?" He stroked her hair softly.  
  
Grace's eyes stung with sleep and tears. "Dad…you and mum…ya' know I love you don't you?"  
  
He didn't stop smiling. "Of course we know Grace – we can see it in your eyes – it your smile. And we love you. I love you." He kissed her cheek.  
  
Grace lurched forward and wrapped her arms around his legs, squeezing away tears. "Thank-you…"  
  
"Hey pet, what's all this?" Her father lifted up her tear-streaked face. "What's wrong?"  
  
Grace shook her head, and strands of hair fell from her messy-bun. "I don't know dad…I'm just scared."  
  
"There's nothing to be afraid of." His voice eased her suddenly. "I'll always be here if you need me kid. Now try and get some sleep, it's too late to be writing – you'll strain your eyes…"  
  
Grace looked at him and nodded as he left the room whispering a gentle 'good-night'.  
  
When he was gone, Grace picked up the diary and crept into bed – she had to keep writing…  
  
She put her walkman on and hummed to her favourite song…"You Look Wonderful Tonight"…as she picked up the pen and carried on.  
  
  
  
We became close, she finished with another flourish as a-million-and-one thoughts came rushing into her mind. 


	6. A Confession

I guess you could say we've become more than just simply close, I feel closer to Jay than I've ever been to anyone who wasn't my family and back then it was a shock to my system, and I think it was for him too.  
  
We became such good friends in only a number of weeks and were constantly together. After a few months the light teasing started, people started passing comment on us and judging everything we did and this made me want to back away from Jay for a while – but for some reason I never could.  
  
Beth picked up on our familiarity and pulled me aside after math one day about a year and a half ago.  
  
"Can I ask you something Grace?" She wondered in her confident style, leaning casually against the water fountain as I drunk a little.  
  
"Sure…" I smiled.  
  
"What's going on between you and Jay?" She blurted in a manner that was unlike her.  
  
"Erm…I…what do you mean exactly?" I stuttered, shocked.  
  
"Are you getting together or something?"  
  
I pushed my hair behind my ears nervously; I didn't think my feelings for him were as obvious as she was making out. "We're just good friends." I said firmly.  
  
Beth laughed softly. "Friends? C'mon Grace…I've known Jay for years – Jay and I are 'just good friends' and he's never looked at me the way he looks at you."  
  
I felt myself blushing but laughed it off. "Beth! Your imagination is too overactive!" I giggled walking away from her down the hall.  
  
I paused and looked back. "Well?" I asked. "You coming?"  
  
Jay was never anything other than friendly towards me and I think in some ways that gave me a vain optimism that he had feelings for me too, and Beth telling me what she thought only added to that hope.  
  
I liked Jay, a lot, and if the truth were known he made me horny.  
  
C'mon! I was nearly sixteen and my hormones were far too overactive, and as much as I tried not to think about him in that way I couldn't stop myself. I'd liked guys before – but no one had ever made me feel half the way I did when Jay looked at me with those smirking eyes.  
  
I wondered if he knew what I thought about him, and even if he thought about me in the lonely dark. I wondered if he needed someone too, someone's gentle touch when he was afraid – if he needed me in the same way I felt I needed him.  
  
It was a few months ago when I finally realised just how deep my feelings for Jay ran. We'd been friendly for well over a year, I was no longer the 'new girl' and I really felt as though I finally fitted in somewhere.  
  
It was a Wednesday afternoon and I, feeling in a rather reflective mood had crept off to the school's library. I had a study period but studying was far from my mind as I found myself in the place I loved most – after the beach. The library was all dark wood and tall bookshelves, and smelled of knowledge and secrets and imagination. Tall wall-length glass windows spilled the afternoon sun all over the floor in a pool of golden as I made my way to the end of the room and curled up at the corner desk with my favourite book "The Bell Jar". The copy I was reading from was tattered and well thumbed and even though it wasn't a happy novel I felt happiest when I was reading it.  
  
"Grace…" I didn't register the voice at first and just took it as another of the libraries comforting noises – until it came again. "Grace?"  
  
I jumped and nearly dropped my book with a clatter.  
  
"Jay?" I whispered looking up. "You nearly scared the hell out of me!"  
  
Jay smirked and the corners of his eyes crinkled a little. "Sorry." He shrugged. "I was looking for you in the study-hall, but you weren't there. I figured you'd be here." He sat down next to me.  
  
I felt a tiny bit of trepidation and placed my book on the table. "What's wrong?" I asked the concern in my voice scaring me even more.  
  
"I didn't know who else to come to Gracey…" I closed my eyes for a second as he called me that and tried to stop the butterflies swarming in the pit of my stomach – this was serious. "Everyone else…they always come to me with their problems but I don't have anyone do I?"  
  
I touched his shoulder a little awkwardly – I shouldn't be having sexual thoughts about him right now, something terrible had happened and I…- "You've got me Jay. Whenever you need me."  
  
His eyes collided with mine and I had to catch my breath. "It's my dad."  
  
The librarian's head snapped up and she hushed us very loudly.  
  
Both of us averted our eyes and I could feel myself blushing.  
  
Jay moved his chair closer so that my thigh and side were brushing against his. "He's sick Grace. He says it's nothing – but I can tell he's lying – he's trying to keep something from us, I know it. I just don't know what to do about Ved – it'll crush him if dad dies." He looked so sad I felt tears well up in my eyes. "Him especially." He amended.  
  
I struggled to think of everything I knew about Jay's dad. He was a scientist – genetic I think – worked for the government…Pandorax?  
  
Even now I'm not sure what that means.  
  
I reached for Jay's hand. "It's gonna be fine Jay." I whispered as softly as I could. "Your dad wouldn't lie to you if it was important." I wanted to believe this SO much. "He loves you all too much for that."  
  
We were so close I could feel him breathing – our noses were almost touching as we whispered. I looked into his eyes and told him again that I'd be there for him if he ever needed me, and as I did so I prayed that he couldn't feel my trembling from being so close to him.  
  
And then he said something I wasn't expecting.  
  
"You're my best friend Grace." He said so softly I almost didn't hear it.  
  
I put my arms around him as tears pricked my eyelids and held him for a second. "Your mine too Jay. And everything's going to work out – I promise."  
  
Then I pulled back and smiled through blurry eyes. "Let's get out of here – I think we need to go walking on the beach."  
  
And that was that.  
  
He was, and still is, one of my best friends…the best friend I've ever had.  
  
Grace closed her eyes for a moment to hold in tears.  
  
Which is why I can never tell him how I really feel. He trusts me so much and I don't think he really has a clue what I'm feeling.  
  
Right now I suppose that even though I don't have him how I'd like – I still have something. I'm afraid that if I ever told him how I felt I'd lose him, and us, forever. We have something that I never want to lose…  
  
A mutual friendship.  
  
We can hug and play fight and walk along the beach; he can hold my hand and tell me I'm wonderful and we can both feel safe in the knowledge that it's nothing more than friendship.  
  
Tears dropped onto the paper as Grace scribbled hard with the pencil.  
  
And sometimes I feel so ashamed, because he thinks that I'm honest with him.  
  
And I'm not, because if I were honest I'd tell him something that neither of us wants to hear.  
  
I'd tell him that I think I'm in love with him. 


End file.
